How to Ruin a Good Screenplay

As filmmakers, we're always getting great advice about how to do things right. Having recently encountered some great new talent stalled by amateur mistakes, I thought I'd talk a little bit about how we do things wrong in the film world. Earlier, I shared some of the worst abused film conventions that need to go away. Now, let's look at things we can do to ensure we never sell our screenplays to a major studio. Here ya go!

• Non-standard formatting. Just because you buy Final Draft or some other over-priced software (Word and a decent template will do), doesn't mean your screenplay follows industry standards. Invest $25 in a decent, recent book like "The Complete Screenwriter's Manual." Glue it to the back of your PC if needed, but keep it nearby when you're writing. Always. Check it often if you haven't been writing, and selling, screenplays for decades.
• Use the phrase "is ----ing" throughout your scene descriptions. Do it regularly. Okay, really you should use it seldom if at all. Screenplays are written in PRESENT TENSE. They should instruct your actors just like you might a group of kids in a classroom. "John walks to the blackboard," is always preferable to "John is walking to the blackboard," which indicates this action was already happening when the scene started.
• Throw timelines into a blender. Directors are always eager to guess at what you meant by starting a scene in one time frame then suddenly switching it to another. Here's a great example:

INT. JOHN'S CAR - DAY

John is texting and driving. 

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

John's car crashes into the back of another vehicle in front of him.

A simple "CONTINOUS" would rescue this series of scenes from certain disaster. 

• Include tons of secondary characters and extras but never capitalize them upon introduction. Or just don't introduce them at all and give them a line or two. ANY new character, even extras, should be included in their first scene description and capitalized. For example:

EXT. SKATE PARK - DAY

JOHN, a lanky teen in slacker clothing, and a group of SKATEBOARDERS gather around the half pipe and watch as LOIS, much younger than the others, prepares to make her first run.

Notice how key characters get descriptions and extras are introduced as a non-descript group. Even though the skateboarders in the crowd are extras, they need to be called out so the director can plan for them in the shot and the CD can cast them. They're also going to possibly need costumes and would affect how the shot is staged. 

• Go nuts with the slug lines. Personally, I think if you're using more than two or three within a master scene, it's time to "INTERCUT AS NEEDED". It's way too easy to lose track of where your characters are or what the camera is focused on when you over-complicate a scene with intricate slug lines. I was recently polishing a festival-winning screenplay that couldn't be sold and noticed that frequently the writer gave dialogue to characters he'd forgotten were off-screen based on his last slug line. No bueno! 
• Abuse the Caps-Lock key. Only new characters and important sound effects should be in ALL CAPS. (This does not include incidental sounds like footsteps created by characters walking on screen.) Just remember, the point of ALL CAPS is to get the attention of your casting director or sound editor. (Okay, you can use it for special effects, too.)
• Give lots and lots of shooting directions. Most amateurs precede each scene with "CUT TO," "FADE IN" or "DISSOLVE TO". If you're planning on selling your script, don't do this. FADE IN at the very beginning then let the DP plan his or her shots based on the awesome scenes you describe. All that fluff will also cost you an extra 5-10 pages, too.
• And, by all means, write in real-time. Here's a great example of marketability-destroying writing:

INT. JOHN'S BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING

John is asleep in bed when the alarm clock suddenly BUZZES. He sits up and rubs his eyes, then reaches over and hits the top of the clock, silencing it. He scratches his head, yawns, pulls the covers back and slides his legs over the side of the bed. He stands up, almost trips, then slips his feet into his slippers that are by the bed. He looks at the clock, reacts with panic, then runs to the bathroom, opens the door and goes inside... 

That scene description could be a lot simpler and more interesting:

John is in bed, sleeping peacefully. His ALARM goes off, sending him flying out of the bed. He nearly trips over his slippers, then stops to slide them on. He runs into the bathroom and slams the door.

• Use dialogue to explain everything that happens in your film. Be sure and have your characters talk about things that happened in earlier scenes to remind us what happened, just in case we've forgotten ten pages later. Also, tell us how your characters feel about everything through dialogue. In fact, have the characters explain their feelings to each other constantly. (You get where I'm headed here, right?)
• Over describe your characters with exact heights, weights, skin, hair and eye color. That will make a casting director ecstatic! (Just remember, character descriptions are to help the casting director find the best actor to play the part and the actor to understand who they're portraying. If the character's height isn't central to their behavior or motivation and has nothing to do with the story, leave it out. Same goes for all those other physical traits. And remember, not every character in your film needs to be attractive. That doesn't happen in the real world and shouldn't happen in your screenplay, unless you're writing "Zoolander 3.")
• Finally, make sure you completely ignore the three act standard when planning your film. Add lots of scenes that have nothing to do with the over-arching story simply because you want to use a specific prop, location or character. If you write an inciting incident, don't worry about the 10-page rule: just plug it in somewhere. It's all good. Yes, I'm being facetious. Your story should have an inciting incident - something that gets the ball rolling. It should have a discernible beginning, middle and end. Every scene should move the main plot or a key subplot forward. (Subplots should at some point have an impact on the main plot, too.)

Okay, that's quite a bit to digest in one sitting, so I'll shut up now. If you're a screenplay reader, polisher or writer and have a favorite rookie mistake or pet peeve to share, be sure and leave a comment. If you're new to writing or honing your craft, let me know what you think. Overall, remember that writing screenplays is more than the art of simply telling a story. Screenwriting is a professional skill that requires education and tons of practice to perfect.

 

Tired Conventions to Avoid

One of the problems of learning film by watching film is that new filmmakers, and old, confuse abused and sometimes nonsensical conventions with acceptable methodology. These common conventions may be well tried but don't ring true with modern movie-goers who are, thanks to the internet, far more sophisticated than audiences of the past. Next time you consider following one of these conventions, PLEASE, think again.

1. Everyone born before 1950 spoke with an English, Irish or Scottish accent. No, they didn't. Dear filmmaker, if your story is set in the Middle East 100 B.C., do remember that England didn't exist yet. Go with no accent or something more regional when making your casting and directing choices. On that note...
2. A spray tan will suffice in place of ethnic reality. Uh, no. Audiences didn't buy Mara Rooney as a native American in "Pan," and they won't buy that blue-eyed white guy playing an Egyptian pharaoh (with a British accent).
3. Anything with fuel explodes on impact. Seriously, watch a couple of episodes of "Myth Busters" before you plan your next stunt.
4. Young women are interested in dating older men. No, they're not. Oh, and on that note...
5. Women come in two age groups: twenties and silver-haired granny. Again, no. If you are casting a person who is seventeen, no one is going to believe that twenty-five-year-old is really his mom. Get ages right or get out of film. Women in their thirties, forties and fifties appeal to audiences and most ticket buyers today are women 35-49. Hmm....
6. Women can run and fight in high heels. That may have flown in the eighties, but ladies have figured this little bit of idiocy out nowadays. If a girl is going to do some butt-kicking or running, she's probably going to be in comfortable shoes. And unflattering pants. With a bra on. Get it?
7. Audiences are stupid and must have everything explained. Please, just stop with the expository speeches. Repeating what just happened to make sure we got it went out right about that time they poked fun at it in "Galaxy Quest."
8. If you're a genius, you know everything. How irritating. My IQ is around 163. I do not know how to fashion a rocket engine out of soup cans and radio wires. Give me a few diagrams or fifteen minutes on Bing and I might, but it's not just locked up there in my head to be accessed whenever I feel like it. Also, saying a character is a genius does not convince audiences s/he is. Being a genius also does not exempt you from personal care or wearing matched socks.
9. Bad guys die instantly from a single gunshot wound to the stomach. Naturally, the good guy can continue on to victory with 9 bullet holes and a stab wound. Honey, please! We've seen CNN. You get shot, it hurts, you fall down and bleed while calling for your mommy or 911. Unless you're hyped up on meth.
10. All drug dealers wear gold chains and listen to rap music while driving pimped out Cadillacs. Wow. Stereotype much? Today's crime lords look like your local politician or the high school volleyball coach. Sure, those gangsta types still exist, but don't let 80's Hollywood fool you. Criminals are far more sophisticated in this day and age.
11. A talented super geek can hack into any system by typing a few thousand characters while staring at a login prompt. Guess what? We all have computers now. Get that password wrong three times and it's nighty night. If I'm going to hack a system, I sure as heck am not going to physically break into a highly secured building and sit my silly butt down at a terminal and start typing random characters. No. I'm probably going to send Joe Bob in purchasing a tempting porn link and drop a Trojan on his PC. Then there's always the option of those adorable cat videos...
12. Remaking a beloved film with new technology will create an even better film. Sorry, but you should know by now this one is wholly wrong. Very few remakes are worth the cost of a tub of popcorn. If you're hurting for ideas, find a screenwriter. Preferably a new one with some fresh ideas. (Do not confuse "new" or "fresh" with "young." Young people have far fewer ideas than their life-worn peers.)
13. Last, but not least: Only attractive people can be good guys. Ugly people are always bad guys. (Yeah, tell that to the last few attractive guys I dated.) Here's the reality: average people want to see average people on screen doing the extraordinary things they fantasize about doing themselves. If we want to watch a bunch of supermodels running around in skimpy clothes, we'll watch a beer commercial or a perfume ad. Start casting actors who can act and quit pumping your films full of eye candy who couldn't deliver a believable line if their lives depended on it.
14. Sorry, missed one: All women come in a double-D. Except smart women. They're C cups. Do I even need to waste time explaining how idiotic this whole concept is?
15. Honorable mention in the bad film conventions department because this one is unique to our current decade: every cast MUST contain at least one Black person and one gay couple. No, it does not. Forcing a stereotype, race, religion, gender or otherwise into a film where it doesn't fit doesn't further anyone's cause or political agenda, and could even be working against the success of your film.

Film-makers: you know better. People are more sophisticated than they were even 10 years ago and we're sick and tired of watching the same crap year after year. We want truth. (Not to be confused with political or personal agendas.) If the success of those ridiculous reality shows tells you anything, it's that people want to see real people, not plastic Ken and Barbie dolls, on the bright flashy screen. Stretch reality, sure. But connect with your audience by exerting at least a modicum of effort in conveying some level of truth in your casting and your stories. You, and your audiences, will be happy you did.

Last Man Club

One of the things I love most about being involved with film festivals is discovering those rare gems you only find in the independent world. This year's Worldfest Houston opener and Houston Film Critic's "Best Picture" award winner is one of those gems. "Last Man Club" is a sweet, humorous story about an elderly WWII veteran, Capt. John "Eagle Eye" Pennell, (played by James MacKrell in his first big screen leading role), who embarks on one last cross-country adventure to rescue a former fellow crew member from institutionalization after overhearing his son and daughter-in-law discuss his impending move to a retirement home.
     You don't bump into many family-friendly films at independent film festivals. Usually anything that qualifies as "family-friendly" ends up being cheesy drivel aimed at small children. This film was surprisingly different.
     Although some of the language and themes have garnered it a PG-13 rating, I took my 11-year-old daughter and found it was just fine for a mature 6th grader like her. She laughed in all the right places and really connected with the story and the characters. (She also made quick friends with the film's youngest star, but that's a story for another time.) I was pleasantly surprised to find the film less dramatic than its trailer and full of the kind of laughs you get from watching real people being, well, real people.
     At its root, this story is about the struggles any family faces when juggling raising kids and caring for an aging parent, and the loss of dignity many of our veterans suffer as they age. The cast is excellent and there are several familiar faces among the film's stars, including the inimitable Barry Corbin, William Morgan Shephard, and Jake Busey as well as TV's Kate French. And there's that guy you see everywhere but are never quite sure why you recognize him, Richard Riehle, in one of his best roles, albeit brief, as a veteran suffering Alzheimer's. The rest of the cast features some of the independent film industry's best rising stars. Keep an eye out for Amy Kay Raymond (best known for TV's "Prom Queen") in a noteworthy turn as a frazzled mom, Corbett Tuck as a sympathetic VA nurse and youngster Blaze Tucker who delivers an endearing performance as Eagle Eye's grandson.
     I won't give away the full plot, let alone explain how Eagle Eye ends up running from the law in a classic car with a hooker named Romy, or why they're being chased by a crime boss and one of his thugs. Suffice it to say, the subplots in this film keep the story moving and add a unique level of humor one would expect from the likes of "Grumpy Old Men."
     Yes, this is without doubt an independent film, but it is a stellar sophomore outing for producer/writer/director Bo Brinkman. The budget is far less than what you'll see out of the big Hollywood studios, yet I saw only two visible flaws in production that reminded me I was watching an independent. Brinkman has pulled off a magic feat in crafting a fun yet captivating story and pulling together a talented cast that make this film worthy of national distribution. I imagine initial release will be limited, but I highly encourage you to seek this film out when it makes it to your town.
     Before I wrap this up, I would like to offer a big thank you to Worldfest Houston for inviting local veterans to attend the world premier and opening night at no charge. Hunter Todd, Worldfest founder and a USCG veteran himself, never ceases to impress me year after year. While I was never able to serve myself, many members of my family and close community have and I feel very honored to have been able to join those who have served our country for the festival kick-off. Kudos, Worldfest! And thank you, each and everyone, to America's many veterans.
     Keep watching Facebook/LASTMANCLUB for more information regarding this wonderful film.